This sucks

Jay

May 12, 2020

I feel frustrated most days, and today is no different. I feel detached and alienated from other people. Sometimes I feel I have no desire to ever return to a normal, social life, because this pandemic has changed my view of others forever.

I am isolating with my partner. We are comfortable together; rarely ever argue or disagree, and generally enjoy each other's company. I am glad we have similar viewpoints on the lockdown or else I would likely feel completely alone in the world.

I am still working full time, so that takes up most of the weekdays. I have trouble getting involved in my hobbies and feel I am wasting my life most of the time. I exercise more than usual because I can barely leave the house.

Work is unchanged, but I am working full time from home. I enjoy working from home. No one shows up at my desk to waste my time, I don't have to hear my coworker slurping and smacking away at granola bars, don't have to listen to inane chatter when I'm trying to focus. It's nice. I would like to stay here most of the time even if things go back to normal. I am not an essential worker as a software engineer, but I am connected to agriculture and construction so our business has not slowed much.

I find other people filthy now. I see people walking around without masks and coughing. People having social outings to Costco. People standing way too close to me - even under normal circumstances. I am tired of other people. I think that we will have a second wave too, and maybe even a third until we have enough herd immunity that people won't be ill again, or we have a vaccine. I hate the lockdown. I hate that the government has unilateral authority to completely control my life and there is nothing I can do about it. I hate being penned up in my own house and being banned from visiting the US. I didn't vote for this, and I believe we are each responsible for our own health and safety - it is not up to others to protect us from ourselves. I wear a mask, sanitize my hands, wipe down groceries, take off clothing I wore out. I protect myself and my loved ones. I don't need a nanny state to save me.

I think I may have already had Covid-19 back in February. I was ill for close to a month with something notably worse than my usual seasonal illness. I had a fever, chills, a horrible dry cough that had me hacking away until I would almost throw up, I had conjunctivitis and a horrific ear infection so bad I could barely hear for about 6 weeks. No one gave me a Covid-19 test but I am trying to see if there is a way to get an antibody test done. I assume no one will care because they are too busy taking care of the relatively small number of cases we have in London.

I think we will be suffering the economic consequences of this lockdown for a long time. Everyone seems thrilled that the government is spending money they don't have - assuming that money seems to come from a money tree farm in Ottawa. It comes from other taxpayers - from those of us still working. We depend on other people to protect us from our bad decisions - like being unable to save, or squandering our education on fields with no jobs, or avoiding education altogether and being stuck in a minimum wage, unfulfilling job. Other people exist to save us from ourselves and protect us from our own bad decisions, apparently. Eventually we will run out of other people's money to spend on personal and corporate bailouts, and we will start printing more money and have taxation without representation through inflation which punishes people who saved their money. I hate the heartwarming stories about how we're "all in this together". I don't want to be in this together. I want to be left to my own devices to live my own life as I see fit.

I wish we could restore normal life now, and just leave it up to individuals to protect their health as I do through wearing a mask, washing hands, sanitizing frequently, social distancing, avoiding going out unless absolutely necessary... Instead we are all our brothers' keepers and must sacrifice our happiness and enjoyment of life to save others from themselves. I will protect my family from illness but I do not expect other people to do it for me.

I hope people stay away from each other more. I hope some people recognize that the government has complete control over our lives and happiness and we are powerless people subject to the whims of "officials" and "experts". I hope people recognize that we are supposedly too stupid to choose how to live our own lives and decide what risks we are willing to take. I hope all these people who campaign for "saving lives" are also interested in lowering the speed limits to 20 everywhere to "save lives" from vehicle deaths; I hope they're planning to force people to eat healthy food and get the correct amount of exercise to "save lives" from obesity; I hope they plan to make smoking illegal to "save lives" from cancer; I hope they ban jetskis and motorcycles to "save lives" from accidents; I hope they ban drinking too much, skiing, eating deep fried food, stairs, bathtubs over a certain age... I am tired of others.

It sucks. I do not like other people. I know everyone else is having a blast and staying inspired and happy because of a constant dose of social media virtue signalling and cloyingly positive posts, but it does not work on me. I distrust others and I distrust my government. I barely like my friends anymore.

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